E=mc²

This year held so many things. Legally, I became an adult, but I did not become a grown-up. I still feel like a child, still repeat the same mistakes, still live while preserving moments of embarrassment like specimens. What has changed is that I shifted, little by little, through it all. I became more open-hearted, and at the same time, in some ways, more closed. Perhaps that is inevitable, since the heart has only so many doors. As I opened doors to new people, there were moments when those who had already been there faded from view. It feels like time to look back and ask where my love is headed.

It was also a year of deep self-examination. To continue my studies, to find a new place to belong, I trimmed and tailored myself into a neat shape and placed myself before panels of judgment. The question I asked most often was, “Am I a person of value?” The question that hurt the most was, “Have I lived honorably?” I made mistakes swept along by fleeting emotions; I was rude, prone to addiction, and often unraveled things in unhealthy, half-hearted ways. Still, I learned from each moment, turned it over in my mind, and digested time in my own way. There is still so much left to learn. That is what excites me most.

I received more honor and love than I deserved, yet there were hardly any things I achieved by my will alone. I leaned shamelessly on others who were kind, sharp, and attentive. I learned that leaning on someone is not a wrongdoing. To those who offered their shoulders, I gave clumsy thanks filled with sincerity—and tears. In that sense, perhaps 2025 was not such a bad year.

My single wish for 2026 is to become “a person with gravity, but not heaviness.” Written down, it may sound like wordplay, but at its core is the coexistence of two qualities. Gravity is, simply put, inner depth. It requires quiet effort made alone, bringing the mind back to the center of the body. Not being heavy means opening up a bit more. I hope to be a friend, family, student—or teacher—who can share easy laughter and exchange affection and respect without burden. I wish to gather heat (熱) inward, but let light (光) flow outward, illuminating those around me.

I am still unsure whether I am a good person. Even less whether I am a wise one. But in that I have not pushed away the relationships, the time, the stories, and the hearts that came to me, and have instead received them fully, I believe I am someone worth living.

I have decided to trust myself, and the eighteen years I have lived. I trust that the energy, the light, already exists within me. Now, it is time to set myself alight.