flexibility

My personality is just like clay these days. The flexibility is insane. I don’t know what I can become, what I will become, or if there is even a shape that I can finally solidify to. It’s confusing how kind I can be at one moment and speak in an incredibly rude manner in another. Or how I seem very extroverted and friendly when I first meet someone, but reveal my ‘introvertedness’ over time. I see there are boundaries; there are certain things I cannot do, such as dancing without thinking how robot-like I should seem at the moment. But I keep it open most of the time–just up to the point when I feel alienation, left in the void between my true, internal self and the ‘made-up’ personality in which I’m masking myself up with.

If there are political parties campaigning inside my identity, as I get older (even though I’m not that old right now either), the progressive one is definitely losing to the conservative. I keep myself in a box where it gives most comfort, and no longer linger between or outside the boundaries–because there is still much satisfaction. I cannot imagine how the 3-year-old Jiwon used to dance in the middle of a cruise ship, and unhesitantly say hello how are you to strangers.

In that notion, I am definitely settling somewhere. But I do remind myself to keep it a little loosened up, because that is the benefit of youth–being someone who you are not and have no one to evaluate about that. Certainly, age is not a matter of criteria. Anyone can be whoever they want and do whatever they want (as long as that isn’t illegal). I do have a probable hypothesis, however, that my older self will not have enough energy to travel too far from where I settle.. personality-wise.

I’m just looking forward to what this dough will transform into next–of what shape it will take and who it will mend with. Hopefully, I maintain the flexible mindset until finding my spot of comfort.