giving up?

I feel like giving up on everything. Maybe not practically everything, but a few things that I’ve been indulging in and holding onto. Like violin. rhetorical analysis essays. the SAT test tomorrow morning at seven thirty.

Since when was talent a prerequisite? Never. Truly, it never was, never is, and never will be. But for some reason, my judgement hits me on the head with a hammer shouting “stupid! stupid! stupid!” (of course, this is to myself). It doesn’t want me to really give up on stuff. Or to really be stupid. It’s just saying that to craft an obligation to feel bad for myself; my judgement sacrifices itself by taking on the role of a villain, so I can be the mighty and heroic protagonist. Nevertheless, I am never motivated enough to push through hard situations. Thus, I give my opposing villain an internal apology–for not being the ideal hero. We cannot FOIL each other, unfortunately.

Anyways, going back to the point here, I feel like shoving everything in the trash. I feel like nothing that comes out of me is worth enough to even have a space dedicated for itself to breathe. It should be suffocated up to the point when it naturally (and hopefully) becomes better.

Now I’m thinking I should write more. I always do. I always end my writings this way, somewhat too predictably sumptuous: “No matter what others say, I shall continue to write.” But I lived enough to know that I probably will not. At least in a month or so. So I guess at this point I am just hanging one of my fingers into a hope so thin–that maybe I will write something in English, not Korean. Maybe even create a blog. Maybe even take on a writing major at college to force me into writing. Maybe one of these will become true–and I’ll be satisfied with that.

The judgmental punches probably wouldn’t stop though.